Thoughts of a DI
by Kate Benson
Summary: A look into the mind of DI Neil Manson. (Neil/Andrea)
1. Chapter 1

**Thoughts of a DI**

It's coming up to the end of another long and tiring day; one that I will be glad to see the back of. I am sick to death of filling in the crime stats reports that the Superintendent has been pressuring me for all day. Today has been particularly busy and stressful, first with the obbo that I naively spent too much of the department's budget on, that amounted to nothing but a complete waste of time and then the Superintendent on my back about these reports, and none of that even goes into my personal problems, which started before I even left the house this morning. Having a full-blown argument with Philippa about the fact I'm hardly ever at home is the last thing I needed this morning when I was already running late.

Admittedly, part of the reason I'm never home is my own fault, as well as the long hours I'm putting in at the office, I've been spending a lot of my evenings recently with one of the newer PC's that I realised I was attracted to the first time I set eyes on her.

Stupid, probably; complete madness, definitely, but no matter how hard I tried to keep my distance and stay away from her, there is just something about her that keeps drawing me in.

If anybody ever found out about us, and the amount of time we have been spending together recently, we would be in big trouble; both personally and professionally. The risks I am taking don't even deserve thinking about, but no matter how wrong and dangerous I know this is, I just can't keep away.

I let out a sigh, annoyed with myself that I can't even get through a full day at work without thinking about her. I am dreading the day that someone finds out about our little affair; and I'm only lying to myself if I pretend no one will ever know because it's only a matter of time before someone cotton's on to the fact that she's up in my office more often than would be considered appropriate in relation to her rank; or the fact that I'm always calling her over for 'a word', in the corridors or canteen.

I don't even want to think about what I will do when that day comes. Realistically I should end things now before somebody does find out, but even though I know that's the right thing to do, I just can't bring myself to do it; can't bring myself to stay away from her, even for a few days.

My mind is in constant turmoil; tied between doing what's right and doing what my heart wants me to do. I honestly don't know when it was that I realised that it is more than an affair that we have going on between us; when I realised that my feelings for her are much stronger than even I ever thought they could be.

When I first started this relationship; it doesn't feel right calling it an affair because its way more than that, at least to me it is. I thought it would just be a short lived fling, a way to deal with the mutual attraction that I know we both feel; but over the past few months, my feelings towards her have grown to the point where I can't go for more than a few hours without thinking about her, worrying about her and I'm struggling more and more each day to not show it in front of our colleagues and friends.

I'm not stupid; I know we can't keep going on like this, keeping this big secret between us and sneaking around outside of work. Coming up with stupid excuses and lies to cover our tracks and hoping that we are not doing anything in public that would allow someone to guess what we've been up to.

The argument I had with Philippa this morning should have been a big red warning flag to me, but all it served to do was make me think about what I'm doing and who I'm choosing to spend my free time with.

Realising that with my thoughts on a certain Scottish brunette, I'm not going to get anywhere with these reports, I decide a break is in order. Getting up from my seat, I walk out of my office and down the stairs into the winding corridors. With no idea of where I'm going or even what I'm actually doing; I wonder aimlessly through the station, eventually winding up outside the female PC's locker room.

I hear voices and laughter from inside, and consider getting away from there as quickly as I can; that is until I hear 'her' voice, the voice belonging to the person I've been thinking about all day long. Pausing briefly, I stop to listen to what's being said. Eavesdropping is never a good thing, but I've been thinking about her all day and just want to hear more of her beautiful voice; at least that's what I tell myself. Somehow my unconscious brain has brought me straight to her, even though I told myself that I would keep my distance.

"I don't think he's that bad," her voice echo's through the slightly open doorway, and I wonder about who she's talking about.

"You must be mad then," I hear another voice say; PC Yvonne Hemingway by the sound of it; "He shouts at everyone, thinks we are all useless puppets that he can control and that's when he's in a good mood. When he's in a bad mood, it's best to keep as far away as you possibly can if you value your life. Last time I was helping up in CID, he had me making cups of tea, filing paperwork and basically acting like a glorified secretary. I dread being asked to go up there now."

I struggle to hide a smirk, realising they are talking about me and the way that I ride my team hard, pushing them above and beyond, knowing that the only way to get results is to work hard and stay focused. It's a shame I can't take my own advice. I continue to listen, curious to know what else they think of me.

"I swear he must sleep in the office most nights, he's here at the crack of dawn and I can't even name one time that he has left before I've knocked off, does he even know what relaxing and having fun means?" Yvonne continues her rant.

"He doesn't sleep in his office every night," the voice I love so much says, "A couple of times now, I've been up to drop some paperwork off and he's already gone home or I've seen him pulling out of the car park when I'm walking to my own car. I know he works longer hours than most of us, but I doubt he spends all his time at work."

I'm intrigued now, so I slip into an empty office that is close enough to still hear the conversation, but that will provide enough cover to hide my presence.

"If you are so certain he's not as bad as we think, then prove it. I'll bet you can't find a way to convince him to join us lot down the pub one of the nights this week. Just to see if he really is as bad out of work as he is at work."

I struggle to hide a laugh; Andrea is well aware of what I'm like when I'm out of the office, however I'm not really sure I want anyone else knowing how much of a soft heart I've got when I'm not so focused on the job.

"Alright," I hear Andrea say, "You're on; before the end of the week, I'll find a way to get him to join us at the pub."

I can almost hear the cogs ticking over in her mind, thinking up ways that she can get me to agree to join them for an evening. I am reluctant to let her win this one, it could put the nature of our relationship into the spotlight if I agree to join them, and that's definitely something we don't need at the moment; and yet at the same time, I am tempted to go along with their little plan, any excuse to spend more time with her without having to lie about it.

I almost reveal the fact that I've been eavesdropping on their conversation when I step out of my hiding place just as they leave the locker room, however I'm not willing to let her go home without at least getting to talk to her for a minute with the way she's been on my mind all day.

Trying to maintain our cover, I put on my professional act, calling out to her when they are a few feet in front of me. "PC Dunbar, did you finish off that report for me," I say loudly, causing them all to spin round and face me.

I see a small hint of a smile appear on her face before she manages to hide it and school her features into a professional mask. She looks at me blankly for a second, before she catches on to what I'm doing.

"It will be on your desk first thing in the morning," she replies carefully, watching me closely for any sign of what I'm really talking about.

"I need it finished tonight," I state, knowing that she will catch on to the fact that I want to talk to her alone for a few minutes.

I watch her friends give her a look, knowing they must be thinking that I'm a complete asshole. "Sir," she mumbles to me before turning and saying goodnight to her friends.

I wait for them to round the corner out of sight, before pulling Andrea into the unused office that I was hiding in a few minutes ago and closing the door behind us.

"Neil, what are you doing," she hisses at me, knowing that this whole thing is a big risk.

"I have been thinking about you all afternoon," I confess shyly, "and I couldn't let you go home without seeing you."

We look into each other's eyes, both sensing the danger, and yet lost in the strong feelings of attraction we have for each other. I can't resist any longer and pull her closer to me for a kiss.

She doesn't resist, melting into my arms and fusing our lips together passionately. I deepen the kiss, desperate to feel her against me, surprising myself with the intensity of my own attraction. I know this is wrong, but whenever I'm with her I feel so alive.

Eventually we part for air, our breathing laboured and coming in sharp gasps. We stay close together, our hands still pressed against each other's faces, caressing gently. I try to resist the urge to reconnect our lips, fighting against my own reactions. I can see from the look in her eyes, that I'm not the only one fighting this reaction, and that she too is using all her willpower to prevent us from letting this get out of control.

Feeling my willpower slipping, I decide to speak. "Let's get out of here," I say to her, knowing that we can't afford to let our guard down any more than we already have until we are away from the station and prying eyes.

We take a step apart, the distance sobering us up slightly. I check my pockets for my phone and keys, not wanting to have to spend the extra time going back to the office to retrieve them. I am pleased to find that I have got them with me, and with a quick glance around to ensure we haven't been noticed, we head out to the car park.

I quickly slide into my car, encouraging Andrea to hop into the passenger seat, and hoping no one is looking down from the upstairs windows. We pull out of the station, and into the streets of Sun Hill, an inexplicable, but completely rational urgency surrounding us.

We eventually pull up outside Andrea's block of flats, and it takes us virtually no time at all to exit the car and race up the stairs into the flat. We don't relax until we are inside, knowing this is one of the few places we are free from prying eyes. One of the places we can truly let our guard down and just go with our instincts; Instincts that lead us straight to the bedroom to return to where we left off in the empty office earlier.


	2. Chapter 2

I wake up a couple of hours later, the feel of Andrea's warm palm playing with the hairs on my chest, is relaxing in a way I've never felt with anyone else. I relax into her touch, making the most of the short time we've got left before I have to get up and leave. I don't want to, I never do; but we both know that under the current circumstances I don't have a choice.

If circumstances were different I wouldn't so much as even consider moving from our comfortable embrace, and it's that fact that reminds me that what we have is a lot more serious than the casual affair we pretend to be having.

I let out a sigh, reluctant to break this moment with the depressing thought that we are both secretly dreading, the time that I have to go. Trying to find a way to drag out my departure, I decide to confess to eavesdropping on her earlier conversation with her friends.

She confesses that she somehow knew I was there, that she could 'feel' my presence. She then asks me if I heard her little bet with Yvonne, before explaining why she agreed with it.

"I don't like hearing them run you down," she tells me, "I know I can't ever tell them about us, this, but I also can't help but defend you; I hate that I have to lie to them so much, it was the only way I could think of to explain why I defend you so much without revealing how I know what I do."

An indescribable feeling washes over me at her words; and I can't help but roll her on top of me so I can kiss her thoroughly again. The passion between us surges up again and I know I'm not going anywhere tonight.

When I wake up next, I realise that it's now the next morning. A pang of guilt hits me, knowing I'm going to have to come up with another elaborate lie to explain why I didn't make it home last night. As if reading my thoughts, Andrea shuffles closer into me, wrapping herself tightly around me.

There is no point in leaving now; it will only make things worse. I will just have to say I fell asleep at my desk or something. I think I may have left a change of clothes here on my last overnight visit, so at least I won't have to go back to work in the same outfit as yesterday.

I let myself relax back into the comfortable pillows, making the most of the time we have left and enjoying the rare moment of waking up together.

Andrea pushes herself even closer to me if that's even possible; we must be thinking along the same lines. I drift into a relaxing light sleep, trying not to think about the day ahead.

We are late for work when we next wake up, and know we are going to be in big trouble. Through our haze of passion last night, neither one of us remembered to set an alarm. It was Andrea's phone ringing on the bedside table that eventually woke us.

Remaining quiet whilst she answers it, I try to think up my own excuses for being late, knowing that it will look very suspicious if anyone finds out that we are both frequently late on the same day(s); it's not the first time we've done this and sooner or later someone is going to make the connection.

When she hangs up the phone, she turns to face me, giving me a longing look, before getting up and heading into the bathroom. The look she gave me probably mirrors my own, one that shows regret at having to get up and leave my side, but knowing we don't really have a choice.

We don't speak as we hurriedly get ready for work; we don't need to, so in tune with each other now, thanks to our closeness, we function like a well-oiled machine. Like all the other bad habits we have developed during the duration of our relationship so far, I drop her off a couple of streets away from the station so that we are not seen arriving together. When I do I secretly hope that our paths will cross at some point during our respective shifts, so that I can spend some more with her.

It's late in the afternoon, when as I hoped, she makes her way up to my office, unfortunately with PC Hemmingway in tow. "Sir," she begins, keeping things professional, "We have just got back from a shout that we think you may be interested in. It may be related to the burglary case DC Sim is working on"

"Go on," I encourage her to explain the details; however my focus is on watching her face and listening to the sound of her voice rather than the actual words she is speaking, which is what I should be paying attention to.

I think she notices that I'm not paying attention fully, when she decides to stop mid-sentence and ask if everything is OK. I get up from my perch on the edge of my desk and glace out the window, knowing that I need the distraction before returning to the conversation.

"Just thinking," I mumble with my back to them, missing the look that Yvonne gives to Andrea.

Picking up on my unspoken thoughts, Andrea changes the direction of the conversation back to the burglaries. "Well anyway, we were thinking that this Michael bloke might be worth a visit."

"OK," I agree with her, knowing that her intuition and investigative skills are way beyond the level of her current rank, "You know the details of the case, well most of them anyway, go and see what you can find out. I would have said to take Susie with you but she's in court all day today. Report back to me with your findings."

"Sir," both Andrea and Yvonne reply, Yvonne visibly surprised that I am letting them run with this line of inquiry unsupervised.

"Go in plain clothes," I advise, just as they are about to open the door to my office, "best not to spook him unnecessarily."

"Sir," they both reply simultaneously.

It's a few hours later that Andrea and Yvonne return to my office to inform me of the progress of the case. I've been wondering all afternoon if Yvonne has took any notice of the fact that I have trusted a CID case to them, well more specifically Andrea, when I normally would be wary of letting any of the other uniformed officers have much more than a supporting role in current CID investigations.

"How'd it go? Did you find anything interesting?" I ask as they come barging into my office.

Andrea drops a case file on my desk with a 'cat that ate the canary' sized grin on her face. "Read it," she encourages me, obviously feeling very pleased with herself.

On skimming quickly through the file notes, I am more than a little surprised and impressed that they have managed to solve the case that DC Susie Sim and DC Gary Best have been working on for weeks without much success.

"I'm impressed," I voice congratulating them, surprised that they have also managed to write up the paperwork in the few hours they've been gone. "Aiming for my job?" I joke.

Only Andrea gets the joke, Yvonne a little in the dark, and genuinely surprised about the way I have been behaving around them both today. This is the side of myself I usually keep well-hidden at work, but somehow, as always Andrea has got under my skin and I can't help but let my playful side out around her.

"We was thinking of going for a drink to celebrate and was hoping you would join us," Andrea voices, giving me a look that tells me much more than her words ever could.

"I'll think about it," I reply, trying to read between the lines, "I've still got these reports to finish," I add.

"I'm sure they can wait until morning," Andrea replies, before repeating the conversation we had in the early hours of the morning; "And besides, Yvonne here is convinced you never leave the office, even sleeping here most nights, so she's challenged me to convince you to join us in the pub for one evening this week, just to prove you are actually human. This is the perfect opportunity, and you would be doing me a big favour," she explains, with a sharp look in my direction.

"What kind of favour?" I ask, intrigued by the conversation, and not wanting to give in too easily. If it was just going to be the two of us, she wouldn't have to ask twice, but I can't let on with Yvonne still watching us both closely.

I suck in a breath of air as Andrea takes a few steps closer to me, stopping with her warm breath tickling my ear. She covers her mouth with her hand as if whispering a secret to me. I can't help but be distracted by her close proximity.

"Yvonne has a major crush on someone at this pub slightly off the patch that we discovered recently, and I don't want to be the third wheel. If you come with us, I won't be." she whispers, placing a light kiss to my ear on the last word.

I am astounded at the risk she took just then, we are treading on thin ice, both momentarily forgetting Yvonne is in the office with us.

Taking a second to regain my composure, my nerves frazzled from the close proximity, I reply, "OK, I suppose I can make an exception just this once. Somewhere off the patch you said?"

"Yeah," Andrea confirms knowing it's the one condition I made for going along with their little plan.

"Ok, just let me finish off here and I'll be with you," I confirm.

Andrea glances at Yvonne deep in thought, as if debating whether to voice her thoughts in front of her. "We was thinking of meeting at my flat in an hour, and then getting a cab from there, so no one has to worry about driving back," she finally voices.

I nod in understanding, knowing it's the only genuine way we can get around the issue of Yvonne seeing us arriving and leaving together. We both know, with alcohol involved we will struggle to keep our feelings towards each other hidden, and therefore we will need a way to disguise our closeness.

"Give me 10 minutes and I'll give you a lift," I reply, hoping that Yvonne believes that the niceness I am displaying is a one off.

"We will meet you around the corner from the station," Andrea confirms, our usual meeting spot, "We wouldn't want to ruin your reputation," she adds for Yvonne's benefit.

The two PC's leave my office and disappear off somewhere downstairs. I know that Yvonne is already full of questions, I could tell by the look on her face as they left my office. This is going to be an interesting night. I just hope that we don't give too much away, the last thing we need is the details of our relationship being spread around the station, and Yvonne is known for being a bit of a gossip.

I quickly finish signing off on the reports on my desk, before locking them away in the filing cabinet and grabbing my things to make an early escape from the office. I get a few surprised looks from the lingering members of CID, most of them well aware it's unusual for me to leave until long after they have gone home. It doesn't take me long to get into my car and pull out of the station car park around to our planned meeting place where Andrea and Yvonne are already waiting for me, talking about something.

I pull into an empty space, close to where they are standing and open the passenger door. Andrea opens the door to the backseat for Yvonne before climbing into the seat beside me, resisting the urge to kiss me on the cheek like we usually do.

"Hey," she greets warmly, "You ready for this," she asks me quietly.

I nod silently, before moving the car back out into the traffic; neither of us noticing that I'm not supposed to know where Andrea lives, until it's much too late to cover up our slip.

I park in my usual spot, just around the back of Andrea's apartment block, and together the three of us head inside. Andrea offers us each a coffee to dispel the slight awkwardness before encouraging Yvonne to use the bathroom to get ready in.

Making the most of the couple of minutes alone, but still knowing we need to be extra careful, we walk into the kitchen where we can talk quietly without being heard from the bathroom.

"Do you think she picked up on me not asking for your address?" I ask, concerned about our carelessness.

"I don't think so," Andrea replies, "but if she brings it up, I will tell her you gave me a lift home once after the bomb incident," she reminds me of my first visit here, when we shared our first kiss.

"OK," I confirm, knowing that this little outing is going to reveal certain things that we really could do without anyone else becoming aware of.

We don't get chance to say much more as Yvonne reappears from the bathroom. "Your turn," Andrea says to me, knowing that she needs to cover up at how well I know my way around her flat, "There are spare towels and toiletries under the sink," she says knowing that's where she's stashed the few toiletries I leave at hers for the occasions I stay the night, which is becoming more frequent by the week.

"Thanks," I say shuffling into the bathroom, grabbing the bag containing my change of clothes I brought up from the car with me on the way.

Just before I enter the bathroom I hear Yvonne comment to Andrea that she must have special powers or something to be able to convince me to join them so easily. I stifle a grin knowing that we spent half of the early hours of this morning planning this out carefully.

"Ok, I confess," Andrea says to Yvonne, "I had already pre-warned him of our little bet, so all I had to do this afternoon was convince him to play along. I have a few bargaining chips of my own."

Knowing they are talking about me and this little game we are all playing, I decide to leave them to it, and concentrate on getting myself ready. I wonder what she is going to tell Yvonne that she used to convince me to join in.

I almost run right into Andrea when stepping out of the bathroom. "Sorry," I say barely audible.

"It's OK," she mumbles back, squeezing past me in the open bathroom doorway and deliberately rubbing against me. Again we are playing with fire here, Yvonne barely a few feet away in the kitchen.

Unable to resist temptation, I step back into the bathroom and close the door as much as I can, without causing it to click. Curious, Andrea watches me closely, wondering what I'm up to.

Quickly checking that Yvonne isn't paying attention, and using my body as a shield, I take a step forward and pin Andrea to the bathroom wall, fusing our lips together passionately, desperate for the intimate contact. She returns my kisses eagerly for a minute or two before coming back to her senses and remembering that we are not alone.

"Yvonne," she hisses to me as a warning, knowing that we have both been in the bathroom together a moment or two too long.

"I know," I reassure her, reluctant to leave, but knowing that I can't stay here any longer without raising suspicion. "Later," I add in a silent promise sensing the sexually charged atmosphere.

She nods in agreement, reluctant to let me leave the room, but knowing we need to both get ourselves under control before Yvonne sees us.

I return to the kitchen, subconsciously pouring another drink, forgetting that I shouldn't be so familiar with the layout of Andrea's flat.

"So," Yvonne starts when she joins me in the kitchen, "Andrea tells me she already told you about our plans, what did she say to convince you to join us? Sir"

"I think we can drop the Sir now we are off duty," I say, flashing back to a similar conversation I had with Andrea on her first day at Sun Hill. "To answer your question, I wasn't going to agree to this little plot of yours, but let's just say I owe PC Dunbar a drink after losing a bet a couple of weeks ago. It's about time I pay up."

Thankfully Yvonne accepts my explanation without too many questions.

"OK," she replies simply plunging us into an awkward silence.

I am hyper aware of my every word and action tonight, I need to be if we have any hope in keeping the true nature of my relationship with the Scottish brunette under wraps.

"You ever been here before?" she asks me, breaking the silence.

"Once or twice," I reply carefully; "I don't usually socialize with colleagues outside of work too often, but I have been known to make the odd exception, or give someone a lift home if they have stayed after hours to help out on an important case. PC Dunbar has helped us out up in CID quite a bit recently, even putting in the overtime, so I will confess to dropping her off at home a couple of times."

"That would explain why you didn't need to be told the address earlier and how you seem to know your way around her kitchen," Yvonne comments offhandedly.

"Yes," I confirm.

"OK, let's go," Andrea says, coming out of the bathroom with her shoes in her hand.

It takes all of my willpower not to pull her into me for a fiery kiss. This is going to be a long night of torture, I realize quickly.

"Taxi should be here any minute now," Yvonne confirms.

"OK," both Andrea and myself respond, getting together the things we want to take with us and ensuring the flat is secure.

We all head out of the flat and into the street below and I can't help but look around nervously, hoping no one will recognize me.

About 35 minutes later we arrive at a rather nice pub, just outside the Canley borough and I can't help but be a little surprised.

"How did you find this place?" I ask genuinely surprised.

Andrea leans into me slightly to whisper the answer close to my ear, "Yvonne fancies the bar owner's son," she informs me, "She met him at a nightclub a few weeks back and he told her about this place. She's been itching to come here in hopes of running into him again ever since."

"I see," I reply, watching as a man around a similar age to Yvonne approaches our table.

"Yvonne, how lovely to see you again," the man says loudly, putting an arm around Yvonne's shoulder and dropping down in the seat next to her.

"See why I didn't want to come on my own with her," Andrea whispers to me discretely, leaning across me intimately. "Just play along," she adds.

"And who are you friend's" the man asks.

"This is my best friend Andrea and her boyfriend Neil," Yvonne introduces us to the man we now know as Trevor.

I give Andrea a sharp look, worried about the way Yvonne introduced us. "I'll explain later," she whispers to me again, grabbing for my hand under the table discretely.

Highly concerned, but knowing there is nothing I can do at the moment, I play along with their little game, still wondering what is happening. The perfect opportunity to find out what game I've been dragged into, comes when I reach the bottom of my glass and decide to get a refill.

"I'll help you," Andrea says to me, giving Yvonne a sly wink, and leaving her alone with her new 'friend'.

We stand side by side at the bar waiting to be served. "What's going on?" I ask, glancing back at Yvonne to be sure she's not listening in on our conversation.

"Trevor doesn't know about our jobs," Andrea replies, "She told him a story about us all working for some big insurance firm or something, I'm not sure what gave her the idea to give you the label of my boyfriend, but for all intents and purposes it works in our favour. Think of this as an undercover mission. Well that's what Yvonne said to me when she convinced me to go along with this little plot of hers. She doesn't know anything about us, if that's what you're worried about, she just thinks I'm acting tonight to give her story credibility."

"I've got to admit, it's a well thought out plan you've got." I reply, slightly relieved that our secret isn't out in the open, but that we can still show some form of affection towards each other, as long as we don't let it get too out of control.

"I was sceptical at first too, but when I thought about it, I realized that she's doing us a favour really. We both know that we've got to be careful about how we are seen together in public, and how alcohol makes us careless in hiding it; but with this, we can let our guard down slightly, and then put it all down to acting in the morning; Yvonne will never be any the wiser and neither will anyone else."

I let her words sink in realizing that she's right, this is a perfect cover for us; I can't believe I hadn't thought of it before now. "You took a risk earlier though, up in my office this afternoon."

"I know," she confesses, "but if Yvonne comments on it I will just say I was practicing getting into character. She will believe that."

"OK," I agree with a small rarely seen smile. "This could be fun."

We pick up our now full drinking glasses and return to the table where Yvonne and Trevor are cuddled up in the booth, talking quietly between them. Andrea takes the seat opposite them, and I settle in beside her, placing my arm along the top of the seat behind her, and allowing my fingers to dangle near her hair. I considered putting my arm around her properly; however I don't want to be too obvious about it.

We all settle into a companionable conversation, sharing jokes and stories from our younger years, however still being mindful of our undercover story. When we are next due a refill, Trevor and myself get the drinks in whilst Andrea and Yvonne escape to the ladies room, I can only assume that Andrea will inform Yvonne that I am now fully aware of their little game, and have agreed to play along.

When they return from the bathroom, I can tell by their actions that my guess is right, Yvonne settles back into Trevor's side and Andrea settles beside me, slightly closer than we were sitting before, her hand searching for mine under the table.

As the night wears on we become less careful in our attempts to hide the attraction between us, knowing that tomorrow we can blame it all on a combination of the alcohol and the role we are playing. I feel my self-control slipping as the hours pass us by, and know we need to think about getting out of here soon. Beside me, I can see that Andrea is also having the same difficulties I am. Remembering our snatched moment in Andrea's bathroom earlier this evening, gives me an idea, and I proclaim another bathroom break, hoping that Andrea will get the hint and join me. Yvonne and Trevor are so focused on each other, they barely see us move.

Andrea catches up to me, near the entrance to the narrow corridor where the toilets are located, and I waste no time in pulling her into an alcove that is hidden from the rest of the pub, and pulling her into a fiery kiss which she returns with equal fury. We remain in place for a couple of minutes, stealing passion filled kisses until we are struggling to breath.

"I've been dying to do that all night," I confess, hoping that there is no one we know within hearing range.

"Me too," she admits, pulling my lips back to hers.

"We need to get out of here," I state when we pull apart for the second time.

"Any ideas?" she asks me between more kisses.

"No, but if you keep kissing me like that, we won't even make it out of here," I reply feeling the heat pooling in my stomach, and my control slipping dangerously low.

She kisses me once more before stepping back and breaking the contact between us, knowing how dangerously close we both are to losing all of our self-restraint. I take a second to recompose myself, before we head back to the table side by side. When we get back to the table we find Yvonne and Trevor are too engrossed in each other to even notice how long we've been gone.

"It's getting late, and we've all got an early start tomorrow, we should start thinking about getting out of here." Andrea says to Yvonne.

"Do you guys want to share a cab with us," Yvonne asks, "I've just called one."

Andrea glances at me before replying with, "Sure, why not."

It's not long before we are all squashed into the back of the cab and on the way home. I try to avert my eyes away from Yvonne and Trevor's obvious flirtation, their actions leaving no doubt as to their plans for the rest of the night. I feel uncomfortable sat next to them, especially as I'm fighting a losing battle in hiding my own feelings of attraction. The cab ride feels like one of the longest I have ever endured and barely half way through the 35 minute journey, I feel my hand drop to Andrea's thigh where I start rubbing suggestive circles, my control well and truly gone now. If it wasn't for Yvonne and Trevor sharing the cab with us, I dare say we would be unable to keep our hands and mouths apart; and not for the first time, I secretly wish we had the cab to ourselves.

I can tell Andrea is thinking along the same lines as I am, her left hand rubbing my right leg and sneaking progressively higher sending shock waves of electricity through me. As long as we can hold out another ten minutes, we can blame our obviously affectionate touches on the plan, but with the way I'm feeling right now, I don't think I can manage to keep my composure much longer.

The minutes drag on, and my need to do something about the overwhelming sensations coursing through me becomes even more unbearable. Andrea's affectionate touches become bolder and more suggestive, both of us struggling to avoid letting things get too out of control, knowing we only have a few more minutes of this torturous journey left. With about five minutes of the journey left, I know I can't take much more, and even though I know there is no way we can pretend this is all just an act any longer, especially with what I'm about to do; I can't stop myself from pulling Andrea into my lap and kissing her thoroughly.

She doesn't disappoint, kissing me back with an urgency that is indescribable and sinking her body against mine. I lose track of where we are for a minute or two, lost in the heat of the moment and the sensations coursing through us both. Realizing where we are, I pull apart just long enough to catch my breath, and am relieved to find we are finally only two streets away from our destination. It can't come soon enough for me, the confines of the back of the cab stifling and uncomfortable.

Finally rounding the corner, we waste no time in giving Yvonne our share of the taxi fare, thankful that she's too wrapped up in Trevor to realize how close to ripping each other's clothes off in the back of the cab that we have come, before getting out and making our way upstairs as quickly as we possibly can.

I barely give Andrea time to unlock the front door to her flat before pouncing on her, pushing her up against it and plundering her mouth with mine. She doesn't resist and somehow manages to reach behind her and let us inside before we end up getting ourselves arrested for indecent exposure.

Inside we waste no time with pleasantries, choosing instead to strip each other of clothes as we make our way through the flat to the bedroom, the need for each other controlling our actions and no thoughts other than each other entering our minds.

We don't even manage to get as far as the bedroom, settling instead for making love on the large rug in front of the fireplace too consumed with lust to even manage those few extra feet. Afterwards we cuddle for a short while before getting up and forcing ourselves to take those few extra steps to the bedroom, where we spend the remainder of the night kissing and making love until we are overcome with exhaustion.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, I once again awaken to find Andrea pressed against my chest, snoring lightly; a scene that I am slowly becoming more used to. The more time passes, the more I am realizing that this is where I want to be; not at home with Philippa where we have become more like roommates than a married couple. It's spending time with Andrea that has made me realize how little I have in common with my wife and as each day passes, I want to go home less and less.

I know how wrong this is, and deep down I think I was hoping that I wouldn't let things get so far, so complicated; but I just can't help myself, I can't fight this indescribable feeling that overtakes my senses whenever I am around her, this overwhelming urge to touch or hold her in some way, or even to just spend time with her, or thinking about her. She is all that fills my mind; from the moment I wake up until the minute I fall asleep.

It's with a start that I realize what's happening to me; I love her; I am slowly falling madly and deeply in love with the person who is resting on my chest right now and nothing I do can stop these emotions from taking over my mind. Coming to terms with my new realization, I know that I am going to have to do something to fix this situation.

I feel her slowly waking up and break myself from my thoughts, I have some work to do before I can risk revealing how deeply my attraction towards her runs.

I am greeted with a warm smile and the sight of her chocolate brown eyes connecting with mine. "Good morning," she greets with a smile, leaning forward to kiss me thoroughly.

"Mmm, Morning," I hum between kisses, trying and failing not to get too lost in her touch.

"We are going to have a lot of explaining to do when we next see Yvonne," Andrea reminds me of the night before.

"Don't remind me," I say with a sigh, knowing we let our emotions get the better of us last night and we have put ourselves in an extremely difficult situation. "Any ideas on how to get us out of this mess?"

"No, I doubt she's going to believe it was just the alcohol talking though. We need to come up with a better excuse for losing control like that."

"Have we really got an excuse; I don't see any way we can brush this off, we both totally lost control last night; we are just lucky that it was only Yvonne that was there and not the whole of Sun Hill. Hopefully we can do a bit of damage limitation and convince her to keep what she witnessed last night to herself."

"You've just given me an idea," Andrea proclaims, "How about we give Yvonne a half-truth. She has been hinting for weeks that she thinks you fancy me; we could say that it was a combination of the alcohol and the acting that made us lose control and that it was strictly a one-off. Ok it's risky, but she saw more than enough last night to know what was going to happen when we got out the cab, no excuse can cover for that, but I might be able to convince her that it was a one-time only thing, and to keep it between us."

With a sigh, I know she is right; we are becoming careless and making mistakes and we are not going to be able to hide this much longer. Last night was just the beginning, if we keep behaving the way we are, the entire station will know about us pretty soon. "Ok," I confirm in agreement to her words, "Damage limitation is the best we can hope for."

Later in the day, Andrea and Yvonne find their way back up to my office.

"Sir, I wanted to speak to you about last night, both of you." Yvonne says directing her words towards me and Andrea.

"Ok," I say taking in a calming breath of air, I've been dreading this conversation all day.

"First of all I want to apologize," she begins, "It was wrong of me to put you both in such an awkward situation for my own gain; I should know better and I truly am sorry." she pauses to let her apology sink in.

"That's very noble of you," I reply carefully.

"I also wanted to let you both know that I am aware that it's mostly my fault that the evening ended on such a note, and you haven't got to worry about it going any further, I won't tell anyone."

"We can't let you take full responsibility for everything," Andrea replies, with a glance in my direction for reassurance; "We are all partly responsible for what happened and we should have all known better; and while I'd like to blame it on a combination of the alcohol and the acting, we all know that it was more than that. I'm sure we all had our individual reasons for the things we said and the way we each acted, and so I guess I'm just confessing, that for me at least, I lost control of my actions and got carried away in the moment. I know that's no excuse really but I guess I wanted to claim responsibility for my own mistakes."

"Can I ask a personal question," Yvonne asks carefully, "After you got out of the cab last night, how far did you let things go exactly?"

"Do you really need to ask?" I state confirming her suspicions, "I would have thought that much would be obvious. I'm not proud of getting so carried away and taking advantage of the situation like that, but what's done is done and can't be undone; I think we would both appreciate your discretion on this one though."

Andrea nods in agreement with me, both of us secretly hoping that Yvonne will believe it's a one-off, brought about by the intimate circumstances, alcohol and stresses of the week.

After a few minutes of silence where we all consider the situation and what we have each admitted to, Yvonne pipes up, "I can see you both need a few minutes alone to discuss this so I'll leave you to it." Turning to Andrea she adds, "See you later."

We both wait for her to step out of the room and close the door before letting out the breaths we have been holding.

"Think she bought it?" I ask quietly.

"I hope so," Andrea says at the same volume before taking a step towards me and closing some of the gap between us.

"We are going to have to be extra careful from now on," I add closing the rest of the gap and gently grabbing hold of her face.

"I know," Andrea replies, her lips meeting mine in an urgent kiss.

Just before we can pull apart and place a professional amount of space back between us, Yvonne barges back into the office without knocking.

"Shit," we both say under our breaths, knowing we have just made this whole situation more complicated.

"Sorry to interrupt," Yvonne begins before noticing how close we are now standing and breaking off her sentence with an unreadable look on her face.

"What did I miss?" she asks, obviously noticing our guilty expressions. Hopefully that's all she's noticed.

Quickly regaining my composure, "Nothing," I lie, "Just making sure we are all on the same page regarding this incident. Was there something you needed?"

"I was going to ask Andrea if she wanted to go out somewhere after the shifts over, but if you're busy..." she trails off silently confirming that she saw us.

"I'll think about it," Andrea says to Yvonne; then turning to face me she mouths "Later," before leaving the office with Yvonne, leaving me to my thoughts.

Knowing I've not been home in a couple of days, I know I will at least need to put in a short appearance tonight, just to keep up appearances. Hopefully I can come up with some kind of excuse to come back out. With how cold the atmosphere at home is, I don't want to be there any longer than necessary. Again I feel a pang of guilt, but I quickly brush it aside, not wanting to concentrate on the negatives at the moment.

I've known for a long time that my marriage has been slowly disintegrating, both Philippa and myself preferring to not be in the same room for more than a few minutes, and most of our conversations ending in an argument. I don't even know who she spends her time with when I'm not there or what she does on the evenings I spend with Andrea. I don't really think I want to know. We are both very independent people, both preferring to do our own thing, I can't even remember what we saw in each other in the first place; I think deep down, the only reason we got married was for Jake's sake; well that and we probably thought no one else would have us because of our fiercely independent personalities and very different lives.

Jake is the one thing that has kept either of us from leaving before now, and I feel guilty about the fact that somewhere in the near future, he is going to have his family torn apart and his security lost, thanks in part to my own actions.

With guilt fuelling my actions, I ensure I spend as much time as I can with him tonight, knowing that I can't keep living in this lie for much longer, and knowing that I have got to come up with some way to remedy this situation.

"Hey Jake, what you been up to? How was school?" I greet as I stride through the front door.

My 4 year old son leaps into my open arms, obviously glad to see me and starts telling me about his day at school. When he finishes I ask where Philippa is.

"Upstairs," Jake points to the bedroom.

I trot up the stairs not sure what I'm expecting to find, yet knowing something just feels 'off' about this evening. Pushing open the door to the bedroom, I am shocked into speechlessness by the image in front of my eyes. Sure I'm imagining things; I rub my eyes before taking a second look at the unchanged scene in front of me.

In the bed, I see Philippa lying naked and fast asleep next to a man I don't recognize who is also in the same state of undress. Not sure what to do, my shock is quickly overtaken by anger when I realize that not only is she cheating on me with the stranger in the bed beside her; considering my own mistakes, that I could ignore; no, what makes me angry is the fact that she left Jake loose in the house unsupervised while she entertained this man, showing no regard for his safety.

Stomping out of the room and into Jake's, I grab his pre-packed overnight bag from the top of the wardrobe and march back down the stairs and out to my car, grabbing Jake on the way.

I slam the door on the way out, knowing it will wake Philippa and her companion up, alerting her that I know what she's been up to. I get Jake situated in the car before pulling out of the driveway and back onto the streets of Sun Hill.

I drive around aimlessly for a short time, the shock and anger filling my thoughts. It's only when Jake asks me where we are going that I focus on what I'm doing. "To see a friend," is all I say, a destination finally in mind.

It's about 20 minutes before I pull up in my usual spot outside Andrea's flat and I hope she doesn't mind the intrusion, we hadn't made any plans to see each other tonight, so I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

With Jake trailing tiredly beside me, I make my way up the two flights of stairs to her front door. Pausing for a second to regroup my thoughts before knocking on the door, I am surprised when Yvonne opens the door.

"Sir," she greets surprised at my presence, "I didn't know you were planning on joining us."

"I wasn't," I reply before deciding that some kind of explanation would be needed, "I needed to get out of the house and didn't know where else to go."

"You better come in," Yvonne says, stepping away from the door, "Andrea is in the bathroom, however I should warn you that Honey Harmon is here too."

"Thanks," I nod, glad of the warning, better make sure to keep this professional. Maybe I should have called first.

Following Yvonne into the living room, I notice Andrea stepping out of the bathroom. "Who was at the door Yvonne?" I hear Andrea ask, breaking off at the end when she notices me and Jake standing in the doorway.

"Well this is a surprise, what's going on?" she asks me warily, not wanting to give too much away.

Glancing briefly at Honey and Yvonne who are watching us both curiously, I choose my words carefully; "Sorry to drop by unannounced, if you are busy I can go."

"No, that's ok, we were just watching a movie and having a girls night in," Andrea replies sensing that there is something I'm not saying, "come through to the kitchen and I'll make you a drink, you look like you could use one," she adds sensing that I need to talk.

I follow her silently to the kitchen, well aware of Jake trailing at my side and the eyes of Yvonne and Honey watching our every move. "I should have called first," I say as soon as we are in the kitchen away from prying ears.

"What's happened Neil?" Andrea asks me quietly, ignoring my comment and almost reading my thoughts.

"When I got home, Philippa was in bed with someone else, I think it was one of the senior lawyers who she works with. She'd left Jake unsupervised in the kitchen with the cooker on, it's a miracle he didn't get hurt. I was so shocked I just grabbed Jake and stormed back out. I'm sorry for gate crashing your little party but I didn't know where else to go."

"It's ok; I'm glad you came," she says handing me a freshly made cup of tea and Jake a glass of orange juice. "Does she know you saw her?"

"She was asleep when I went in, but I slammed the door on the way out so I'm sure she's figured it out by now. We will have to discuss it eventually but I was too shocked and angry to stay when I saw it. I know that sounds crazy when we've been doing exactly the same thing. It wasn't the fact that she's having an affair that made me angry, it's the fact that she should have been looking after Jake and she wasn't; he could have been seriously hurt. I couldn't stay."

"No, I don't blame you. Regardless of the circumstances, no one should have to go through what you have tonight. What are you going to do now?"

"I don't know. I need time to think; I need to find me and Jake someplace to stay tonight and then I need to get my head around all this."

"You can stay here; both of you," she says instantly.

"What about Honey and Yvonne?" I ask realizing that I've put us into yet another awkward situation.

"They were planning on leaving soon anyway, don't worry about it."

"But..." I begin, but Andrea cuts me off with a brief, friendly kiss, being careful to keep it from going too far.

"Don't worry about it," she reassures me; "finish your tea and I'll get rid of them."

Stepping out of the kitchen I see Andrea whispering something to Yvonne but can't hear what they are saying. Ruffling Jake's hair reassuringly, I watch as Yvonne says something to Honey and they both gather their things and make to leave.

"I'll explain tomorrow," I overhear Andrea telling Yvonne as they say their goodbyes and Andrea leads them to the door.

"Ok, I'll cover for you with Honey," Yvonne replies before the door closes on them, leaving us alone in the flat.

"So now what?" I ask approaching Andrea in the middle of the living room and feeling lost as the full extent of what's happened tonight hits me.

"Tonight you and Jake get some rest and try not to worry about anything. I'll do whatever I can to help you," she states simply.

"Thanks," I say with a sigh of relief, sinking down onto the sofa, physically and mentally exhausted. Jake curls into my one side and I encourage Andrea to cuddle into my other side.

Reluctantly she does, wary of what Jake must be thinking about the nature of our relationship. "I just need a hug," I confirm that tonight is about friendship and comfort and nothing else; not that we could do anything else with Jake here anyway, he's been through enough for one night.

I feel myself drifting into a light sleep when Andrea shakes my shoulder and encourages me to go to bed. I feel odd when I argue the point about not kicking her out of her own bed, it's never been an issue before, but for Jake's sake we need to keep a professional distance. Eventually we settle on all 3 of us squeezing in together, Andrea reassuring me that we can be adult about this and maintain our distance.

Knowing it's unlikely, but not wanting to argue the point, I eventually give in, tucking myself in the middle between Jake and Andrea, and ensuring I remain fully dressed to limit the temptation.


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up around 5am to find both Andrea and Jake fast asleep, each with their heads on my chest. Not able to resist, I run my fingers through Andrea's hair, taking in the scent of her shampoo. She stirs slightly, but doesn't open her eyes. I press a light kiss into her hair, knowing this will wake her up gently. She looks up into my eyes and I melt into them; I have to use all my willpower to fight the instinct to pull her on top of me and kiss her deeply. Her eyes tell me she is thinking exactly the same thing as me.

"Come on" she whispers, giving me a longing look before crawling out of the bed.

Untangling myself from Jake, I follow her curiously. We end up in the kitchen where she pushes me forcefully up against the fridge, ravishing my mouth with hers.

"Couldn't resist," she says with a smile when we break apart for air.

"Me either," I reply, pulling her back into me to return to our passionate make out session.

When we pull apart for the second time, we both notice Jake watching us from the kitchen doorway. "What'cha doing dad?" the young boy asks curiously.

"Erm," I hesitate trying to come up with an explanation.

"Trying to decide what to make for breakfast," Andrea replies for me, "How do waffles sound?"

"Yummy," Jake says forgetting his original question, "can I help?" he adds.

"Sure," Andrea replies for me, stepping over to the other side of the kitchen to get the supplies out of the cupboards.

I take a minute to catch my breath before joining them in making breakfast waffles.

"Have you thought anymore about what you are going to do?" Andrea asks me.

"I've got no idea," I reply, "Have you decided what you are going to tell Honey and Yvonne about me showing up at your door last night?"

"That's easy, I'll tell Honey you came to discuss a case I've been helping out on, and I'll tell Yvonne it was to discuss the other night at the pub; they will believe that, and Yvonne will know not to push for more information."

"Good idea," I mumble still lost in thought about everything that's happened in the past few days.

I wonder how long Philippa has been seeing this other bloke; I know I've been spending less and less time at home but this was the last thing I was expecting. Lost in my thoughts, I don't hear Andrea speaking to me.

"What time does Jake need to be at school for and did you bring the things he needs?"

"In the car," I reply automatically.

I don't notice at first how domesticated this entire morning is turning out to be. I don't remember when it was that I became so used to Andrea's flat and routines that I learnt to integrate myself into them so well, it's as if we've been doing this for a lot longer than we have.

"Where did you put the keys, I'll get his stuff," Andrea replies, sounding a bit frustrated; I must have zoned out again.

"In the tray," I reply.

"Ok, back in a bit," she says, placing the breakfast on the table and encouraging me and Jake to sit down and eat.

As promised, it's not long before Andrea returns from my car with Jake's bag. She puts it down near the bathroom door before joining us for breakfast.

Once we have all finished eating and put the dirty dishes in the sink, Andrea helps me get Jake ready for school and we both get ourselves ready for work.

"Look Neil, you need to get your head around all this and you need to sort out what you are going to do. I think it would be a good idea for you to have a proper discussion with Philippa tonight. If it helps, I can watch Jake for the evening to give you the chance to sort things out without interruptions."

"You wouldn't mind?" I ask surprised she's being so helpful under the circumstances.

"Of course not," she replies; "I promised I'd help you get through this, and I meant every word I said. Nothing about this entire situation is pretty, and I've got a feeling it's going to get worse before it gets better; but I care about you; a lot more than I probably should, and I will do everything I can to help you out. If that means babysitting your son whilst you talk to your wife and sort things out, then that's fine with me. It will be fun."

"Are you sure you will be ok with him, he can be a handful at times?" I ask, not knowing if she has ever had much to do with young children.

"Neil, I used to babysit my cousin's kids all the time when I was up in Scotland, I think we will be fine for one evening," she tells me.

"Ok," I nod, confirming acceptance of her idea, "Would you be able to pick him up from school too? I know it's asking a lot, but it would really help me out."

"Sure," she replies, "but I better go with you this morning to drop him off, so the school know who I am. They can be funny about things like that."

"Great," I say, glad we've got things sorted out.

We finish getting ready for work and all head out together. "I left my car at the station last night," Andrea informs me.

Luckily that works out well for us. "I'll drop you off," I reply.

We head first to Jake's school to get him settled. I take a few minutes to explain to the teacher that Andrea is a family friend and will be picking him up from school this afternoon. After saying our goodbyes, we carry on to the station.

"Do you want me to drop you off in the yard or around the corner?" I ask, knowing we need to be careful how we are seen together.

"On the corner," Andrea says after a minute; "Best not to give anyone anything to talk about unnecessarily, we both know how fast rumours spread round the station."

"Ok," I confirm, dropping her off in our usual spot; "Come up and see me later?" I add hopefully.

"Ok," she confirms, planting a kiss on my cheek before shutting the door and walking the rest of the way to the station.

I drive past her a few seconds later and up on arriving at the station, I head straight up to my office to catch up on all the reports I need to get through.

Around lunchtime Andrea comes up to my office a pile of files in her hand. "Are those for me?" I ask, inviting her inside and encouraging her to close the door behind her.

"Yeah, my excuse for coming up here," she adds with a sly smile.

I meet her eyes, a silent conversation passing between us. "Honey and Yvonne were full of questions about last night," she informs me; "I stuck to the story but I can tell Yvonne knows there is more to it than I let on. She even asked if you'd showed up unannounced like that before. I told her that it was the first time, and that although you have dropped me off a few times, you had only been inside once before the night we went to the pub. I'm hoping she believes me."

"Mmm," I hum, not knowing how to reply to her confession.

We stand in silence for a minute before I take the files from her and take them over to the filing cabinet, the only part of my office not visible from the outside.

She follows me, standing beside me as I file the folders in the correct places. As I close the filing cabinet drawer, I bring my hands up to rest on the sides of her face, in the same way as I have done millions of times before. "Thank you," I say to her before pulling her into me for a kiss, "for everything," I add deepening the kiss and flashing back to this morning. Wishing we could take this further but knowing we are both at work, and have got a lot of things to sort out before we can move forward in our personal lives.

Reluctantly we pull apart, both flushed and breathless. "When this whole thing is sorted out, we will do something together; just you and me. I think we need it."

I feel her nod against me as I pull her back in for another passion filled kiss before she has to go. "See you later," I promise wishing she didn't have to go, but knowing she has to; we have already spent way too much time in here, the others in the office are going to get suspicious soon.

That evening after work, I return home at a semi-reasonable time, intent of catching Philippa off-guard and giving me the edge in this coming discussion.

As soon as she sees me she glares at me demanding to know where Jake is.

"He's with a colleague," I reluctantly reassure her, "Don't worry, he's perfectly safe, which is more than I can say about the way you left him unsupervised last night whilst you was off playing with your bit on the side."

The sharp look I give her dares her to contradict me. "It's not what you think and Jake was perfectly safe," she replies sharply.

"It looked it," I reply sarcastically; "When I got in he was playing with a knife near to the hot oven, which if I hadn't got back and switched off when I did, would have burnt the entire house down. When I asked him where you were and why you wasn't watching him, he pointed upstairs towards the bedrooms where I found you fast asleep, completely naked and wrapped around your toy boy. What the hell were you playing at? Who the hell is he? And how long has this been going on," I say my voice raising with each word.

"First of all, lower your voice," Philippa snaps back equally as loud, "Second; if you actually came home once in a while, I wouldn't have to look elsewhere for attention. You never seem to leave that damn office, you haven't been home more than once or twice in a week for months. What did you expect? Me to spend all my time looking after the house and Jake when you're always off doing God knows what? Who have you been seeing behind my back? And don't even bother to deny it, I can tell."

"But you haven't been looking after the house or Jake have you? Every time I do come home the house looks like a hurricane has just ripped through it, Jake is either in his room or running around unsupervised, it's a miracle he hasn't been seriously hurt or worse. What's your excuse? And maybe I would come home more often if I didn't get such a harsh reception."

"Your just trying to blame me for your own mistakes," Philippa replies in a high-pitched tone, "Where are you when Jake needs looking after or feeding or picking up from school? Oh yeah that's right, your off with that bimbo you can't stop sniffing around. You have no right to judge me when you are doing the same thing."

I feel a pang of guilt hit me at her words. Have I been subconsciously driving a wedge between us for all this time? Am I also to blame for this situation we now find ourselves in?

Taking a deep breath to steady my thoughts, I sink down in the chair at the table. "Where do we go from here?" I ask feeling defeated.

"You tell me?" Philippa says, "You're the one who never comes home and is never there for me or our son. What do you want Neil? Because I can't keep going on like this."

She sinks down in the chair beside me, also looking exhausted and defeated.

"Me either," I mumble, realizing that it's this that I've been hiding from all these months; my affair with Andrea an escape from my problems, at least for a while, yet also adding to them. Maybe I've been subconsciously been using it as an excuse to not have to deal with my problems at home.

I know my feelings for Andrea are real, but I should have dealt with the problems in my marriage before starting anything with her, I realize.

"I don't know what to say; how to fix this," I state with a sigh of frustration, "can this situation even be fixed?"

"Do you love her?" Philippa asks me, surprising me with her question.

I hesitate slightly before answering; "Yes," I confirm, finally admitting that I have also been seeing someone else.

She nods, letting my admission sink in. "Do you still love me?"

I hesitate longer this time, and obviously this is the wrong answer as she continues speaking before I can answer.

"We should go for a trial separation. This whole situation is making us both miserable and we can't carry on the way we have been. We are just hurting ourselves as well as the other people in our lives."

"I still care about you," I state trying to gain some ground.

"As I do you; but let's face facts Neil, this isn't working, we have both been turning to other people to fill the gap in our marriage when all it's doing is pushing a bigger wedge between us and hurting Jake. We need to do something to fix this situation. Your earlier response proves you are no longer in love with me, if you ever really were. We need to take a step back and discover what it is we really want in life; and something tells me we will be better off apart. We will still be in each other's lives, but in a different context to what we've been used to. It will be strange at first, but I believe only good things can come from it. No more secrets, no more lies, and no more sneaking around behind each other's backs. Surely that can only be a good thing. I'm giving you what you want here, whether you realize it or not. I'm giving you the freedom to go off with this woman, whoever she is, and not have to lie to me about it. I think we will both be much happier."

"What about Jake?" I ask letting her words sink in and realizing she's right.

"We can work out a shared custody agreement. He is your son and I won't stop you from seeing him as I hope you would do the same for me, but we do need to come to some sort of arrangement so that he's not bounced around between us. We both work long hours, so we need to come up with something that will work for all of us."

"Ok," I agree, glad she doesn't have any plans to stop me from seeing my son, "How about alternate weekends? And we let him decide who he would prefer to live with in the week?"

"I can live with that," Philippa agrees, "What about holidays? And the house?" she adds.

"We can take it in turns for holidays. What do you want to do about the house?"

"If you don't have any objections, you are never here and all my work is here; I'd prefer to stay here;" she explains looking hopeful.

"Ok," I agree. "I will start looking for somewhere else tomorrow. I will have to leave my stuff here until I find somewhere, but I will make sure I'm not here any more often than I truly need to be and I won't just barge in unannounced. I'll just pack a bag of essentials for now."

"Ok," we both agree on something, a challenge that we haven't been able to overcome for a long time.

"Jake might have to stay here until I can find somewhere suitable. He's OK for tonight, but until I know where I am going to stay, it would be best for him to have some security. I'll drop him off after work tomorrow."

"Ok," we both agree.

"This is for the best Neil," Philippa reassures me as I pack a bag of essentials for myself and add in a few things for Jake. "Look after yourself," she adds as I take one last look around before leaving, feelings of both sadness and relief filling me.

It's during the drive to Andrea's that I realize how much this has been weighing me down for the past few months and the further away from the house I get, the lighter I feel.

Arriving outside Andrea's door I feel a feeling of relief fill me and I hope she will be willing to let me stay with her until I can find myself somewhere to live.

She opens the door almost as soon as I've knocked on it. "Hi, how'd it go?" she asks me looking me up and down for signs of cuts and bruises.

I step inside and smile widely at her. "It's over," I confirm, "We are going for a trial separation, 6-12 months and if we still feel the same way about the situation we will be filing for divorce."

"What about Jake?" she pries.

"Shared custody," I confirm, "Alternate weekends."

"I don't know what to say," Andrea breaths out, "How do you feel about it all?"

"Relieved," I confirm, "We should have talked out a solution to our problems a long time ago; maybe if we had we wouldn't have hurt each other as much as we have and I could have done this without the constant feelings of guilt," I add kissing her with a passion so deep it felt explosive.

Pulling apart slightly to catch my breath, I ask, "Where's Jake?"

"He's asleep in the spare room."

"I didn't know you had a spare room," I state, wondering how I could have missed it.

"I don't really, but I turned a really large closet into an office with a sofa bed," she explains, "it makes for a great guest room."

"Right," I confirm.

"So...," I begin feeling lost for the first time in a long time.

"How about a nice cuppa and a movie," Andrea suggests to take my mind off things for a little while; "You've had a really stressful few days and need to relax and get some rest. Everything else can wait until tomorrow."

"Ok," I confirm.

"Sit," she encourages me, pushing me down onto the sofa, before heading to the kitchen to make the drinks.

I try to get up to help but she reminds me to stay put and relax with a sharp "Stay!"

A few minutes later, Andrea joins me on the sofa, putting the drinks down on the coffee table, before curling into me and massaging my shoulders.

"Philippa is keeping the house, I've got to start looking at flats tomorrow," I state with a sigh.

"You're welcome to stay here as long as you want," Andrea answers my unasked question reassuringly, "You and Jake."

"Thanks," I reply sleepily.

"Come on," she encourages me, "Let's go to bed and get some rest.

Just to sleep."

I silently follow her as she locks up and knocks all the lights off. We climb into the bed and instinctively wrap ourselves around each other, falling asleep quite quickly.


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning I wake up and for the first time I don't have to worry about coming up with any lies or excuses. I take in the scene around me, the hint of sun coming in through the gap in the curtains, Andrea's head resting on my chest, her arm draped across me and her fingers splayed possessively across my chest. I feel at peace and instantly know I made the right decision.

I don't have long to enjoy the moment before the alarm begins to sound, waking Andrea and reminding us both that we have to get up and go to work soon.

Andrea greets me with a good morning kiss before heading for the bathroom and encouraging me to join her. I get myself out of bed and join her in the shower, taking the time to enjoy the intimate closeness. After getting showered and dressed, Andrea gets Jake up whilst I head to the kitchen to make us each a cup of coffee.

We have breakfast and get ourselves ready for the day in virtual silence; it's as if we have been doing this for a long time I can't help but notice. This is the things that have been missing from my life recently. I realize now what Philippa meant when she said that we will both be much happier with the changes we have decided on and I also realize how lucky I am that she's being so nice about all of this when I was expecting to have an intense fight on my hands.

As we head into work that morning, for once I am filled with a sense of peace and belonging, I even manage a smile or two towards our colleagues. I know it's way too soon to reveal anything about the changes in my life, and that I have got a long road ahead of me; but I am hopeful that one day soon I can come clean about my relationship with the Scottish brunette, who fills up so much of my mind and as cliché has it sounds, live happily ever after with her.


End file.
